Guilty as charged....

So, I'm down 5.2 lbs this week.  To celebrate, I went to Chuy's and ate so much creamy jalapeno dip that I should have just asked for a straw.  For real.
 
Now, I feel guilty as hell and will go to the gym in the morning before work and torture myself until all of said guilt and creamy jalapeno dip is dripping out of my pores in the form of sweat.  Oh, the life of a woman. Men don't feel guilt about food or punish themselves with painful exercising.  They also have NEVER laid down on the bed to button a pair of jeans, squeezed their piggies into a pair of fabulous shoes that may be a size too small, or had hair ripped out by the root from their legs, hoo-ha, and various places on the face, chin, and neck depending on where random hairs may pop up due to one's hormonal state at any given moment.  They proudly walk around with their beer bellies poking out and it doesn't bother them one bit that many of them have not seen their "special friend" in decades.  The proper term for this is "dickdo."  Look it up in the urban dictionary and consider yourself educated.

Speaking of guilty pleasures.....Sunday is the season premiere of one of my favs:




Have Mercy!!!!

True Blood starts back this Sunday and I cannot wait!!!  I don't even care if the story line sucks...I just watch for the eye candy, because basically it's the only candy I can have these days. Eric Northman is SO bad, and since I am partial to the bad ones....I double heart love everything about him.
Speaking of bad boys...Mr. D is cheap.  He does not generally like to spend money.  This comes from his "bad boy" upbringing, which consisted of eating what he considers a delicacy, refried bean sandwiches on white bread.  No joke.  Anyway, if Mr. D gets a bug up his rear before Sunday and decides that he no longer wants to shell out $10.00 extra a month for HBO and cancels it, I will go Lorena Bobbit on him....it's that serious!

Baby Talk....

So, the last 48 hours have been full of fun for all.
Yesterday at the PC, we caught a shoplifter who was stealing this


AND this







FOR REAL. Seriously? It's about $14.00 worth of merchandise. And....at the PC we don't take kindly to shoplifters, so we pretty much tackle them before they can leave.  I kid. Kinda.
Long story short, I was able to recover most of the stolen merchandise.  However, when kindly grabbing for her purse to recover said merchandise, I ripped the handle off the worst knockoff bag that I've ever seen.  So, I figure we are even.  She tried to get away with $14.00 of my merchandise and I broke her purse which was worth approximately the same amount.  Just a public service announcement:  If you call Metro 911, you will get officers about 30 minutes later, and they will go to the Target next door instead of the location of the crime.  True story.

Needless to say, today I had a much deserved day off after yesterday's drama.   I went for a 2 mile power walk with my mother followed by pool time and lunch at my favorite place ever, Chick Fil A.  I got a little color, which is a success because it officially takes me out of the vampire category.  Not so much of a success was the "baby talk" that I had with my mother while power walking.  I should have just shut my mouth and concentrated on trying to breathe while finishing the first mile.  I am a recent ex-smoker, so give me a break...I'm not thinking clearly. Anyway, I brought up that Mr. D and I were currently planning our last big vacation for next summer before we try to start having a baby.  With the first year of my big girl teaching job starting this fall, I did not think that it was smart to try to also have my first child during what I am sure will be an often overwhelming time in my life.  I mentioned this to my mother, as well as wanting to relax next summer after my first year and that I would like that summer to be full of nothing but relaxing and enjoying doing nothing for a couple of months, and not full of sleepless nights, diaper changing, and toddler chasing.  I just want to fully enjoy next summer in that way.  I know that after I have a baby, I will enjoy things in a completely different way, but I also know that after having a baby, I will not have the silence that I so treasure for at least another 18 years.  My mother is desperate for her first grandchild and did not take kindly to this info.  She said:
"Well what the heck, why don't you just go ahead and wait until you're in your mid forties to have a baby!" (I am currently 36). 
and when I told her about wanting to have next summer to unwind after my first year, she said "Do you know the definition of 'sacrifice'?" (Of which I SO wanted to say, "No mother, actually I have no idea what the definition is....can you believe I am going to become an English teacher when I have such a LIMITED vocabulary!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  But.... I didn't say anything because I am an angel sent straight down from the Lord above.
If there has EVER been a day when I have EARNED a cigarette AND a hot fudge sundae from Sonic, it was today.  I had neither.  The  "good" Mrs. D on my right shoulder said that having neither means that I am going to live a long life as a skinny person.   I slapped that thing off my shoulder like it was a mosquito.

So, question.........Is wanting to have one last child free summer selfish of me? 

I am fiending...

I have a confession to make.....I am a smoker.  Or rather I WAS a smoker until my birthday last Tuesday, May 22st.  I had my last super tasty cigarette that Monday night at approximately 9:45pm.  It was an otherwise uneventful day. 
Let me elaborate.  I never was a heavy smoker.  I smoked about 4-5 cigs a day, so a pack lasted me anywhere from 4-5 days.  I decided to quit cold turkey on my birthday because hell, it seemed just as good as a day as any other.  Upon hearing that I quit, my husband, who smoked about a pack a day for the last 18 years also decided to quit.  He is also working out daily and eating healthy.  He has been taken over by aliens apparently.

I had no idea that he was quitting until I called him a week or so ago and here's a direct transcript of the conversation:
Mr D:  (in a voice not unlike people that are possessed) "I just got a $75 ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, plus I'm not smoking anymore so I'm just really pissed off."
Me:  "Oh, I didn't know that you quit smoking?!"
Mr D:  "WELL, THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS WHEN YOU DON'T BUY ANYMORE CIGARETTES AT THE STORE."
Me: (in my most patient voice EVER) "I'm sorry....I didn't know that you hadn't bought anymore...."
Mr. D:  "WELL, THAT'S WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!" (said with the tone as if "I" am the idiot that cannot read his mind...."

Needless to say, I got off the phone QUICKLY.

Quitting has been relatively easy for me, except for today.  I found myself becoming really anxious about something and actually had to talk myself out of trying to smoke old butts out of the ash tray outside that the stray neighborhood cats have probably since used as a litter box.

Reminded me of this clip....minus the cheesy song and message at the end. blah.

I am proud to say that I am still smoke free....for now. 
Just to recap my life.  In the past several weeks, I have had the bladder infection from hell, I no longer enjoy food because of the diet, and I no longer get to enjoy cigarettes.  I am convinced that one of two things is happening...

1.  I am being punished by God for reading and immensely enjoying Fifty Shades of Grey.
or
2.  This is the boring life of people that are actually healthy and fit (minus the bladder infection, of course).  That, I am sure, I received from WAY too much "Gray" time with Mr.D.  My body is clearly rejecting the "twice in one week" experience that Mr. D enjoyed with much incredulity.  

Quickie....

Just a quick post.  Tomorrow is my birthday and several weeks ago, I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I started a Pinterest board titled "Birthday List."  I decided to do this so that Mr. D would have less anxiety ridden nights deciding on the perfect birthday/Christmas/anniversary gift for me.  So, it worked like a charm.  Mr. D gave me my gifts last night since he has to work on my actual birthday.  I received an iTunes gift card, a Visa gift card, a gift card to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world...Firehouse Subs, a Hungry Girl cookbook, and this beauty right here....





This jewel is from Bed Bath and Beyond and provides fluorescent lighting with 8x magnification.  Mr. D told me that this mirror should last me for the rest of my life, which in his terminology means that he spent a lot of money on it.  That and he "accidentally" left the price tag on it.  Whatever.
Lord Have Mercy.  One look into this baby and you will be convinced that your face is covered with nothing but long hair and that your ancestors MUST be Sasquatches and that your pores closely resemble this.....




 Your friendly neighborhood pothole.  I was AMAZED at everything that I could see in this mirror:  the potholes, the hair, the sun damage.  After 10 minutes, I was convinced that I was the most unattractive human on the planet.

But oh,  this mirror is a plucker's DEEEE-LITE.....
So, if you need me for the next couple of hours before I have to be at the PC, you can find me in front of this baby plucking away any hairs that look at me the wrong way!

Hopefully I won't become overly obsessed and pluck all of my eyebrow hairs off and be FORCED, like this lady, to tattoo pics of my cats where my eyebrows used to be.




 YIKES!







 

I'm seeing red.....

I am exhausted.  I don't know what the deal is, but I feel as though I don't have the energy to do much besides work 40 plus hour weeks at the PC and come home and go to bed.  I am also thankful that I only have about 2 months left before I start my new big girl job, because I am starting to want to choke certain people.  It seems like every day I am faced with LOADS of things on the to do list and an equal amount of employees who don't want to do anything but collect a paycheck in which they haven't earned a dime for. 
Rewind to yesterday after work.....
I get home...take a nap....wake up to the most wonderful news that I've had all week.....It's Taco Night!  Praise the Lord.....now I can drown my sorrows and frustrations from work with massive amounts of taco meat, cheese, and sour cream.  We sit down as a family, eat, and watch TV.  Mr. D is watching (which means we all must watch) a show called "Storage Wars"  that focuses on how men, with obviously too much time and money, bid on storage units based on viewing what is inside from the entrance to the storage unit without the benefit of going in to peruse the situation.  Whew.  Now, on to a curious find for one of the men from the show. 






Does anyone know what these are? 












They are for chickens....duh!  So apparently, when chickens see "red" on their fellow chickens, they will peck them to death.  So, the point is to have the chickens wear these glasses all the time because it decreases their aggressive tendencies. 

Craziest thing that I've ever heard and what's even crazier.....who would have thought that I would have learned something from watching one of Mr. D's dumb man shows???!!!

So I got to thinking......

If you need me today, I can be found at the PC walking around wearing a pair of these....


It's truly the ONLY way to ensure the safety of my employees from their manager who must listen to true comments such as these:
(After employee is 10 minutes late WITHOUT calling or giving any excuse whatsoever...much attitude is given by said employee to the most understanding and coolest manager in the whole wide world when she asks him to start on a certain project) "I don't like being told that I need to do something the first 15-20 minutes after I walk through the door....."

Lord Jesus.....help me not to kill anyone today.  Amen.  

Epic fail.

Please disregard the prior post....I have done none of the aforementioned.  That's right, no gym, no dishes, no laundry, no tanning, and definitely no weight watchers meeting.

I have sat in the same spot for the last six hours on my fat arse doing one thing and ONLY one thing....


So, while my dishes and clothes remained unwashed, my butt grew by the minute, and my flowers were outside dying because I haven't watered them today.....you could find me inside reading this little beauty.
My girlfriends are RAVING about it as well as several of the bloggers that I follow, so I decided this afternoon to order it on my Sony Reader.  God forbid that I actually leave the house today to do anything productive like go to an actual bookstore and buy the book.  
Needless to say, six hours later....I am hooked. The English teacher snob in me thinks that it is literary garbage without a significant deeper purpose or meaning within the pages. I felt a slight tinge of guilt that one of my minors was Women's Studies and that my old professors would burn my diploma and probably me "Salem Witch style" if they ever knew that I was reading this book. However, I cannot help it and I must admit that it is H-O-T!  "Have mercy" kind of hot.  I'm not even normally into romance or erotic books....but this is a must read.  I'm only about a third of the way through the book, but I literally cannot put it down. 
****CAUTION***** Any fitness goals, household chores, appointments, and just plain leaving the confines of your house will totally fly out the window until you have finished this book...and I can assume the whole trilogy. 
Happy reading! ;-)

Praise the Lord for days off!

So, I finally have a day off from work where I may get to do things BESIDES laundry, dishes, etc.  Now, don't get me wrong...I will be doing those two things today, but only one load of each.  Thank God!  I was supposed to begin my morning with a personal trainer at 10am and I was a no show slacker.  Pitiful.  I will redeem myself by hitting the gym alone in a couple of hours, unless I can rouse the sleeping bear and have him go with me before he has to be at work.  However, I'd be shocked if it wasn't a solo visit.  So far, I have accomplished catching up on Grimm and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  That's it.  Nothing else but watching TV.  I feel like a tired, lazy slob. 

My agenda for today:
Gym

Lord Help!

Housework

Never ends!

Spray Tan
 

and announcing my newest mission.....

I'm beginning Weight Watchers again, so I will attend my first meeting and weigh in tonight.  I struggled with wanting to share this but I thought, why not.....
It's worked for me before and I only seem to gain weight when I quit the program because I think that I can do it on my own.  I've gained approximately 14 lbs since I was married last August and it has GOT TO GO!  I worried about sharing in case I fail at this, but since I am using this blog as a sort of journal to keep my sanity, I thought it counter productive to keep it to myself.
I'll be honest....I hate having to keep up with what I put in my mouth, but I obviously am not capable of keeping myself in check. I also despise the gym and everything that I do inside that horrendous building.  I equally despise admitting that I have failed, and sharing that I am back on the Weight Watchers program is basically admitting that I failed on my own.  I am an old athlete that cannot believe that I have gotten old and out of shape.  So, I will face the scale tonight....Hopefully it will be kinder than I expect it to be. 
 
On a more positive note, I am having baby fever again.  We will see how long it lasts this time.  I'm betting five minutes.